Thursday, December 09, 2004

Kinda like brainfreeze, only without the yummy ice cream

Recently I came to the realization that I have low tolerance for stupidity.

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and it hurts so much you get that severe cramp in your frontal lobe similar to the time you bet your buddy $5 you could chug the 40-ounce Coke slurpee in less than a minute?

Consider the following quotes:

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
That's deep. Now I know where the riveting lyrics on her albums come from.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President/Intern Philanthropist
Mmm Hmm. Thanks, Mr. President.

My best policy is this- Just keep it to yourself, people. As a public service, I will now publish a list of indicators that you, my loyal readers (all 3 of you) can use to decide whether or not you should speak aloud in a group of your peers.

#1- If you are either the only one laughing or only one not laughing while in a group situation, it's not everyone else's fault. It is yours. To elaborate, the phrase "Huh? I don't get it" only makes things worse.

#2- If you don't know what you're talking about, (gasp!) don't talk. Seriously. It's that easy. Listening to me speak about the finer points of French cuisine is like listening to Osama Bin Laden lecture on U.S. Foreign Policy. Thus, I don't even try. See how easy that is?

#3- Last but not least, never fake it. You ever listen to someone speak "intelligently" and you know as well as they do that they have no clue what the heck they're talking about? (No? Click on CSPAN at any given moment ...) This goes great for athletes turned spokesmen, actors turned advocates, and celebrities turned politicians (my favorite!!!). It's ok, Ahnold, that you don't know a lot about politics. That's cool, man. I don't know a lot about shootin 'roids and mumbling hardly-coherent catch phrases for millions of dollars a pop. You keep being huge and I'll keep being, well, not. We'll all be better for it.

Remember: thinking before you speak is only a good idea if it occasionally keeps you from doing so.


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