Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Putting the "Fun" back in Funeral

You know, the first three letters in funeral spell FUN.

Ok, inside joke. The people who get it think it's funny and that's all that matters.

For those residing under massive amounts of rocks, read this
Now let me start by saying, as always, this post is meant to be light-hearted. If you offend easily, go back to whatever it is that you were doing and save us both the headache.

Now ... Obviously this was not the Lt. Gov's fault. I mean come on- how many people on her staff does she pay specifically to keep her from doing stupid crap like this? You can't put any blame on her, can you?

Yeah, me too. Look, this was stupid. VERY stupid. You don't show up to a funeral of a guy who died in combat to say you oppose the war any more than you would go to a funeral of a man who died of lung cancer and say all smokers should rot in hell. Why not make a big "I told you so" card out of construction paper and crayons and have it sent to the viewing/wake? At least then you could keep a small manner of anonymity, because after all ... who other than the Lt Gov and her direct family knows who the heck the Lt Gov is anyway? Most of you are probably reading this thinking, "we have one of those?"

Yeah. You do. And yours probably isn't as stupid as Eric's.

So this whole thing got me thinking: What other fun things can we do at funerals to spice things up a bit? Before he went back to school to become a chiropractor, Dad was a funeral director so I spent my fair share of time at the funeral home growing up. This knowledge gives me an insider's look at how we can make these necessary events more fun.

1. Two words- Wet Bar! Are you like me? Are you sick of hearing the same ol same ol eulogy? You know the stiff was a prick on earth and he did everyone a favor by dying, but for two hours you hear friends (read: beneficiaries) tout his wisdom and kindness. You wanna know what people really think? Get them all liquored up a few minutes before the funeral starts.

2. Plan a theme- For example, since I'm from Florida, I want the theme of my funeral to be Cheeseburger in Paradise. Freakin sweet, huh? Check it out ... everyone wears shorts and tank tops, ladies in skirts and bikini tops. Everyone gets a lei when the walk in the door. Bar girls roam the parlor with margaritas and daiquiris. Instead of "A mighty fortress is our God" being played on pipe organ, give me Celia Cruz, Tito Puente, and of course ... Mr. Buffet himself.

Other themes include the celebrity impersonation theme where everyone dresses as someone famous. With the casket closed for the first half of the funeral, try to guess who the corpse is dressed like by putting slips of paper in a fish bowl. Right as the service is beginning, unveil the dead guy and see if there's a winner. Make sure to have door prizes for anyone who guesses correctly.

3. Letter from the grave- Before I kick off, I'm going to record a video of me telling everyone exactly what I think about them. The best part of the masterpiece will be when I tell Luke and Lainey (who hopefully by then will be old and grey and have babies of their own ...) that I blew all their inheritance on the ponies. This also works well for the corporate types: "You remember the $10, 000 that came up missing from the petty cash fund? My various mistresses around the country thank you very much."

All in all, it's time we kicked funerals up a notch. No more of this grief stricken, woe-is-me crap. Let's go out in style.


At 1:00 PM, Anonymous Jenny said...

I was thinking to myself "This guy should have a guest book to sign." Lo and behold, you've had a comment box this whole time and I didn't even notice. Silly me.

Great blogs. Keep up the good writing. It's nice to read something from someone who knows how to form a complete sentence. And it's funny.

At 7:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


--If you read this, contact me at connollyjj21@hotmail.com

-- Hopefully you and La Familia Rich are ok.

GySgt. C

At 1:59 PM, Anonymous Jennifer Brofer said...

Rich! I was trying to get a hold of you to see if you and the family were ok, but my e-mail came back as undeliverable. E-mail me at perty16@aol.com or my military account.

Take care!


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