No disrespect to Wifey, who is by far the greatest woman in the world (if for no other reason than putting up with my crap on a daily basis ...) but I just got the wonderful news that Jennifer Lopez
has finally come to her senses and declared her love for me.
Ok, so she never said it in as many words, but I have complied a list of the most compelling evidence to prove my theory.
#1. She has never- not even once- said she doesn't love me.
It only makes sense that if she was not madly in love with me, she would just come out and say so. Since she has never said anything to the contrary, I'm forced to draw no other conclusion than she must want me pretty badly. If not, why not just come out and say so, right?
*** For the record, I am not at all interested in fashion models, Paris Hilton, Kirstie Alley (no matter how much she weighs) Star Jones, Joan Rivers, Shannon Doherty, Martha Stewart or Kim Basinger. So stop calling me. ***
For now, we'll work under the incredibly-safe assumption that her lack of statements to the contrary can only mean one thing ... I'll be staring in the long awaited Gigli II.
#2. Me and Marc Anthony- have you ever seen us in the same place at the same time? I think not.
Of course this is because she's trying to avoid the awkward situation of him seeing her while she stares me. I can't blame her, really. I tend to catch myself staring at myself in the mirror from time to time. I'm pasty and white with red hair and freckles. She's bronze with a tan that makes Panama Jack jealous. People don't say opposites attract for no reason. We are case in point.
#3. Bennifer, schmenifer. Say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Jennifer Lopez.
After careful consideration, I am totally willing to change my name. I mean hell ... it's a natural step in the steady defamation of my surname. My mom and dad gave me three names like most kids, but for some reason, most people call me Rich, which is a shortened version of my last name. If I can live with that, why not adopt that as my first name and take her last name? Most celebs and news people do something to that effect anyway, so seeing as how I don't fit into either category, it makes sense for me to do the same. My Puerto Rican mother will be proud that after 26 years of living with an anglo surname, I have a ridiculous hispanic name to go with my Irish appearance.
So as you can see, it is clear that Jenny and I are meant for eachother. Sure, she has never come out and said, "Rich Lopez and I are madly in love and I want to have his love children," but hey ... nobody tells you when you need to pee but you figure that one out on your own, too.
In other news, I still think Ryan Seacrest is a no-talent ass clown. His only purpose in life is to read phone numbers off cue cards and make ridiculous commercials that make me detest the idea of owning the product he's selling. Note to marketers: Teenagers don't buy cellphones, their mommies and daddies do. If you want to use an American Idol personality to sell phones (ha ha, I made a pun!) try Paula Abdul. I lived the better part of my pubic years wishing I was a cartoon cat.
For those who don't know what that was in reference to, don't ask.
What's with signing off by referring to yourself in the third person and saying, "Out" ? Is that the best you can come up with? And why do the producers let him have the last word anyway? I think each show should end with him being struck with a large tire iron. Or maybe a trident.
Are you happy now, Eric?
Rich Lopez, Out.