Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Life as we know it

I had an email forwarded to me the other day by a coworker. This was dually irritating since (a) I hate nearly all forwards because most people have not yet realized that they have no sense of humor and (b) I hate nearly all emails from coworkers. The only ones who care about the score of last night's intramural basketball game were there, so spare us the mass email.

I digress.

This email came to me and is about life in America without black people. Did it mention that black people are just as valuable as any other race? No. Did it take note of the young, up and coming black politicians that are currently pioneering their way through Washington, with this guy likely being a viable presidential candidate within 12 years? Nope. What did it mention?

Funny you should ask. Below is said email with my comments in blue. Please read all the way to the bottom before anointing me as the next David Duke.

-----Original Message-----
From: ####
Sent: Thursday, March 24, 2005 7:29 AM
To: ####

They just ain't ordinary niggas they FAMILY nigga!!!! Eloquently put. Good start by you.

A very humorous and revealing story is told about a group of white people who were fed up with African Americans, so they joined together and wished themselves away. They passed through a deep dark tunnel and emerged in sort of a twilight zone where there is an America without black people.

At first these white people breathed a sigh of relief. At last, they said, No more crime, drugs, violence and welfare. All of the blacks have gone! Then suddenly, reality set in. (Mostly the realization that they were right) The "NEW AMERICA" is not America at all-only a barren land.

1. There are very few crops that have flourished because the nation was built on a slave-supported system. Come to think of it, slavery is due to become "retro" and make a comeback any day now. There has to be some more oil out there somewhere ... start digging, Kunta!

2. There are no cities with tall skyscrapers because Alexander Mils, a black man, invented the elevator, and without it, one finds great difficulty reaching higher floors. I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing some white dude would have figured this out eventually.

3. There are few if any cars because Richard Spikes, a black man, invented the automatic gearshift, Joseph Gambol, also black,! invented the Super Charge System for Internal Combustion Engines, and Garrett A. Morgan, a black man, invented the traffic signals. So let me get this straight: we would have cars, but only slow ones. Right.

4. Furthermore, one could not use the rapid transit system because its procurer was the electric trolley, which was invented by another black man, Albert R. Robinson. Outside the 5 or so largest cities in America, we mostly use busses as our mass transit. How many white people are there on most busses at any given point? Yes, zero is a number.

5. Even if there were streets on which cars and a rapid transit system could operate, they were cluttered with paper because an African American, Charles Brooks, invented the street sweeper.
Apparently, the manual for operating a street weeper is a part of the Charles Brooks estate and they are keeping it in the family, because I only ever see black dudes driving them.

6. There were few if any newspapers, magazines and books because John Love invented the pencil sharpener, William Purveys invented the fountain pen, and Lee Barrage invented the Type Writing Machine and W. A. Love invented the Advanced Print! ing Press. They were
all, you guessed it, Black. Thank God Al Gore (who isn't black, but watched Roots, Friday and both Barber Shop movies) invented the internet, rendering all the above items virtually useless.

7 . Even if Americans could write their letters, articles and books, they would not have been
transported by mail because William Barry invented the Postmarking and Canceling Machine, William Purveys invented the Hand Stamp and Philip Downing invented the Letter Drop. <-- See Above. The last time I bought a postage stamp it only cost $.27

8. The lawns were brown and wilted because Joseph Smith invented the Lawn Sprinkler and John Burr the Lawn Mower. Nope. See, even without slavery, Mexico still resides directly to our south, and life in Mexico still sucks, so Mexicans continue to hemorrhage into this country at a record clip, so trust me: lawn care is not a problem.

9. When they entered their homes, they found them to be poorly ventilated and poorly heated. You see, Frederick Jones invented the Air Conditioner and Alice Parker the
Heating Furnace. Their homes were also dim. But of course, Lewis Lattimer Later invented the Electric Lamp, Michael Harvey invented the lantern and Granville T. Woods invented the Automatic Cut off Switch. Their homes were also filthy because Thomas W. Steward invented the Mop & Lloyd P. Ray the Dust Pan. <-- See Above.
10. Their children met them at the door-barefooted, shabby, motley and unkempt. But what could one expect? Jan E. Matzelinger invented the Shoe Lasting Machine, Walter Sammons! invented the Comb, Sarah Boone invented the Ironing Board and George T. Samon invented the
Clothes Dryer. Blah blah. Shoes: Asia. (thanks, Nike). Comb: Brush. See, we white folks use combs about as much as we schmear our fries in Mayo. The only combs with any relevance today is Sean Puffy, and since you're so hell bent on making your point, he no longer exists. Clothes: the sun worked just fine for Laura Ingles Wilder and her Ma on "the prairie," so as great as the dryer is, it's expendable.

11. Finally, they were resigned to at least have dinner amidst all of this turmoil. But here again, the food had spoiled because another Black Man, John Standard invented the refrigerator.
Ok, so I'll give you this one. While we (humans) got along just fine without the fridge, warm beer is rancid. Thanks, John.

Now, isn't that something? What would this country be like without the contributions of Blacks, as African-Americans?

Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "by the time we leave for work, Americans have depended on the inventions from the minds of Blacks." Black history includes more than just slavery, Frederick Douglass, Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, and Marcus Garvey & W.E.B. Dubois. And Don King, Johnny Cochran, Marion Barry, Mike Tyson, etc., et al.

Here's the thing: we tend to make issues of things that should not be. While all the inventions above are wonderful, they do not serve to validate the existence or worth of the entire black race. Doing so is languid at best. I dare say the inventors above would be offended that their life's work is being used to further the social agenda of someone who thinks that a few inventions makes blacks more important.

This is as ignorant as if some white guy says blacks are the reason we have such huge welfare problems. Racial finger pointing is a myopic scapegoat tactic for those who are more interested in success of a race than the race to success. The people above were great black people because they were great, not because they were black. The sooner we peel off our racial veils and start looking at things in a non-biased manner, the better we will all be in the long run.

No matter what color we are.

For those who wouldn't know sarcasm if it punched them in the face, yes I was joking with my racial slurs and stereotyping, and no, I don't think slavery is coming back soon. I was making a point.

And no, I don't think Al "lock box" Gore invented the internet. Everyone knows it was George Washington Carver.


At 7:16 AM, Blogger GySgt. C said...


--If you read this, contact me at

-- Hopefully you and La Familia Rich are ok.

GySgt. C


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