Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Further proof that art is crap

Here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to go to a fabric store. I'm going to buy about a million square feet of a fabric in a color nobody else liked, leaving the store with an abundance of it. Then I'm going to go to a large public place (much like Central Park) and randomly scatter it all over the place. Magically, the next day I'll be a world famous artist. I will change my name to Kresken and the world will worship me for my creativity. My masterpiece will look like this.

Some genius (yes, genius) named Cristo has apparently beat me to my diabolical scheme. He has spread random, ugly, burnt-orange cloth all over New York's favorite hate crime sanctuary. People are waxing poetic on his creative genius. What they don't understand is that his true genius is getting all of them to believe his poo is actually art.

Now, now Rich. You sound awfully disingenuous for a guy who plays several instruments, loves Broadway and wants to be a chef, among other things.

Ok, granted, but all of those things actually take talent. Cristo's only obvious talent appears to be the ability to use the hell out of some safety scissors. Here's the best part- he has an assistant. A dude name Jean-Claude. For all we know, that's what Van Damme has been doing. This will be the best thing he has done since Bloodsport XXIV finished production.

What exactly does the assistant do when the artist is doing nothing? Is there a level of doing so little you actually do a negative amount of activity?

If so, that would explain my (extremely) brief stint at FSU

Hey E.S.- when I get to DC, we really need to learn more than one song.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

See, I told you!

I am nerdier than 6% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!

Found this on another blog I read from time to time. See how you do and let me know.

The urge to kill to prevent reproduction

From my first day of kindergarten to the day I graduated High School I missed less than 15 days of school for being sick, injured, etc. Since I joined the Marine Corps I have been constantly one of the two. Coincidence? No, it's some left-winged conspiracy to keep me from the Presidency. Damn you, Howard Dean! I'll have the last laugh.

So my most recent freakish injury occurred Sunday. I'm playing in a local soccer league, and had a dude ghetto-roll my ankle. You ever take one step on the sole of your feet and the next step is for some reason taken on your ankle? What a great feeling. The noise that goes along with it is even better.

So today I finally decide I should get medical attention, since I live in a two-story house and climbing stairs one-legged is pretty damned entertaining for everyone other than me. Here's where the true hilarity begins. Below is a (rough) transcript of the conversation I had with the lady at the medical clinic in an effort to get my ankle looked at.

(NoLa, Tuesday, 8:25 a.m.)

Me: Hi. I need to make an appointment to have my ankle checked out.

Genius: Ok, what kind of appointment do you need, sir?

Me: (stunned, as if having deja vu) The kind where someone who knows stuff about ankles and all injuries thereunto pertaining looks at mine.

Genius: Do you have an appointment in the system already?

Me: (thinking I accidentally called the Candid Camera call center) Why, yes. Last Thursday my clairvoyant Cindy told me I was going to jack up my ankle over the weekend, so I went ahead and booked an appointment at that time.

Genius: Sir, I don't appreciate your sarcasm. I was checking to be sure you didn't already make an appointment and were calling to change it.

Me: Ok, my mistake. I should have been more clear about my intentions when I called and said I needed to make an appointment.

Genius: We don't have any appointments left today. Can you come tomorrow?

Me: Sure. When's the earliest I can come?

Genius: I don't know.

Me: (long pause) Seriously?

Genius: We can't make tomorrow's appointments until 6 a.m. tomorrow morning.

Me: So what was all that business about already having an appointment for today if I couldn't have possibly had an appointment for today?

Genius: Sir, if you continue to talk at me that way, I will disconnect you.

Me: I'm sorry. Look, we got off on a bad foot. Let me ask you one more question if you don't mind.

Genius: No problem, sir. How can I help you?

Me: How do you sleep at night?

Genius: Sir?

Me: I mean, really. Did your parents have any children that lived?

(dead tone)

You know the old saying, "If your hand hurts, slam your foot in the door and it'll make it all better?" Forget that. Just call the TriCare appointment line. Your splitting headache will make you forget why you called in the first place.