Thursday, December 09, 2004

Kinda like brainfreeze, only without the yummy ice cream

Recently I came to the realization that I have low tolerance for stupidity.

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and it hurts so much you get that severe cramp in your frontal lobe similar to the time you bet your buddy $5 you could chug the 40-ounce Coke slurpee in less than a minute?

Consider the following quotes:

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
That's deep. Now I know where the riveting lyrics on her albums come from.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President/Intern Philanthropist
Mmm Hmm. Thanks, Mr. President.

My best policy is this- Just keep it to yourself, people. As a public service, I will now publish a list of indicators that you, my loyal readers (all 3 of you) can use to decide whether or not you should speak aloud in a group of your peers.

#1- If you are either the only one laughing or only one not laughing while in a group situation, it's not everyone else's fault. It is yours. To elaborate, the phrase "Huh? I don't get it" only makes things worse.

#2- If you don't know what you're talking about, (gasp!) don't talk. Seriously. It's that easy. Listening to me speak about the finer points of French cuisine is like listening to Osama Bin Laden lecture on U.S. Foreign Policy. Thus, I don't even try. See how easy that is?

#3- Last but not least, never fake it. You ever listen to someone speak "intelligently" and you know as well as they do that they have no clue what the heck they're talking about? (No? Click on CSPAN at any given moment ...) This goes great for athletes turned spokesmen, actors turned advocates, and celebrities turned politicians (my favorite!!!). It's ok, Ahnold, that you don't know a lot about politics. That's cool, man. I don't know a lot about shootin 'roids and mumbling hardly-coherent catch phrases for millions of dollars a pop. You keep being huge and I'll keep being, well, not. We'll all be better for it.

Remember: thinking before you speak is only a good idea if it occasionally keeps you from doing so.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Why bother?

You ever find yourself screaming at the radio or TV while some talking head spews nonsense opinions passed off as fact?

The title of this blog should have been "Cheap Therapy," because that is basically what this is. I will rant and occasional rave about anything and everything that either I have right or someone else has wrong. Nobody is safe: politicians, athletes, actors, and anyone else who makes way more money than me to do way less work.

No, this will not be the typical "why I hate everything and the world would be better if I were in charge" blog. I'll leave those to the latte drinking, hemp wearing, tofu eating "enlightened" types.

On that note, a word about me. I believe in one God, one Nation under Him, and I personally fight for the right to say those words any time I please. I also fight for others' right to say otherwise, just don't do so within earshot of me.

I voted for President Bush, but wouldn't have voted for Kerry at gunpoint. I can't stand those who are liberal because it's hip or conservative because it's moral. In both cases, it's not.

If Michael Moore was on fire and I had the only water in town, I would put the fire out. Why? Because he and his minions would expect me not to.

Oh, and because it's the right thing to do.

If you agree with what I have to say, cool. If not, cool. Either way, my hope is that these posts will make you think occasionally and laugh often.

Most importantly, please don't wear your undies too tight. Have a sense of humor about yourself and the world around you. Believe me- it helps.

If pain or irritation occur during or after using this product, discontinue use immediately.